___Nici ( lil bit 2crazy

new sh!t

2005-03-28T01:35:15Z

new page-------> __be4utifulsoul add me there!!!!

blah blah blah

2005-03-24T23:38:40Z

* hey lovers N friends!! how r u? well i really dont have anything 2 update on..

*school is cool. i love my grades. STRAIGHT A'S BABY! im so proud of myself. next week are FINALS wish me luck!! my grades will get even better LOL. ive been feelin kinda left out in school tho its like i dont fit in. my new friends have their own cliques.. and my old ones we dont get along and they dont give a sh!t about me. i just feel so lame. i donno why? i mean im coo with people.. but just not coo enough.. like if it came down to me having a problem they wouldnt be there! i mean i can take sh!t and go through sh!t on my OWN but yeah. my old people are just caught up with their OWN shit.. a lil TOO much!theres been HELLA drama at school wow LONG story! me and my gurl mackenzie got into a argument becuz her bf was telling her hella lies that i so called SAID and she BELIVED him! im getting sick of my friends putting their BF'S b4 me. its getting kinda OLD now!we got into it last night becuz shes been goin around talkin all of this shit but hasnt come 2 my face and said not ONE thing! whatever.. shes on my cut off list lol. im in a fighting mood. ive been listening to that song " gurl fight" by brooke valentine lately!! i just really wanna take out all my stress and anger on sum1 and woop their ass!lmao oh and these 2 preppy ass white gurls got into a REAL fight today one of them is crazy as FUCK tho.. but anywayz thats about it.

* my friend faisa just came over here..we had so much fun lmao. we was acting crazy as helll! we walked home 2getha today becuz she lives like up the street so that was cool. but we called these boys .. and she was asking them sh!t about me and they started talking shit. saying i was ugly and talking all this sh!t and she was laughing RIGHT with them.. shady yeah i know! but its whatever im kinda upset about it but its whatever

* ive been working out lately cuz i really needa loose sum weight and get in shape for spring... well yesterday .. i ran 2 miles and then came home and did like sqats, let lifts, lunges all kinda leg shi!t and like 182182111 crunches lol

* no school tomorow cuz its GOOD FRIDAY.. HELLLS YEAH! we dont go on spring break till next week afta finals =( well im gonna go run.. and then take a shower and cook . much love!

i never thought id say it.. but ive lost ALL respect for you!

2005-03-21T23:42:04Z

*well i got into a fight with my BESTFRIEND we have been friends for like 2 years. i tell her everything. she tells me everything. we have got into alot of fights before over stupid shit and just like this one it was stupid too! i hapen to start talking to her ex bf from like 2 1/2 years ago online. didnt know who he was! we were on AIM and he IMed me asking who i was i told him.. and he was like well i donno who u are but i gues we GOT to know eachother..so we kept talking. come 2 find out i knew his cuzzin that was shout like last year. my sister use to go w/ his bruther and all this. i was like WOW this is a small world. he is a real cool person. and hes SO sweet! we talk about deep sh!t .. life and everything. showin eachother pix and shit like that. and then i realized like omg do u know laura? hes like yeah i was like yeah shes my best friend so we are both amazed! so i call and tell her the whole deal and shes like wtf? why do u talk 2 him! im like why are u mad.. like dayum we just hapen to start talking we are just cool. and shes like oh so its like that. im like wtf? and shes like thats realllly nice. oh yeah SO nice! im like are u fucking serouse? so she gets this huge attitude and starts ignoring me. i told him about it. i was like deshaun... shes mad that we talk! and hes like why? me and her are JUST FRIENDS NOW! and im like i donno shes the jelous type! so i got pissed off becuz she started telling him shit like "oh dont talk 2 her. shes such a bitch and shes such a liar". im like whattttt! and he showed me and everything. so me and her dont speak for like 3 days! and so i IM her yesterday and im like " i mean lets get this sh!t over with. us not speaking to eachother is getting really dayum old. your almost 17 years old and your TOO dayum old for sh!t like this. this is sooo middle school and i dont have time to be playing GAMES with u. yeah im almost 15 years old..but ive been through ALOT and im SO mature for my age.. and i can tell u that im over shit like this!" shes like oh well. and shes just tha type to be so stingy and soo grimey i guess! so she starts being so rude. giving me these smart ass comments and im like u know what go ahead and play your lil kiddie ass games! im too old for this and ive grown from this sh!t your mad becuz WOW i know deshaun and hes your ex and me and him are FRIENDS? wtf hes 20 years old.. hes a grown ass man he can talk 2 WHOEVER the fuck he wants to! it was a mess. and she was just ignoring me i was like so i guess its like that. well let it be whatever you want it to be. becuz i tryed to help. i tryed to work this stupid sh!t out! but u didnt wanna work it out. but whatever its a DONE deal! ive been into fights with her for TOO dayum long!ive been there for her through THICK and THIN and shes BARELLY been there for me. everytime i tell her about my dad or sumthing she has sumthing RUDE to say about it.. and i just end up crying more. fuck her.. shes just a jelous bitch. whatever!!some friend she was riight? yah i'll miss her. we talked everyday and it was SO fun. but i guess THATS LIFE? maybe 1 day we'll talk

* today was a good day i guess. well it was alright! went to school. got a manicure and pedicure and decided to do it up with tha HOT PINK NAIL POLISH!! yah SPRING IS HERE! well not really for us becuz theres still snow out side but oh well the sun was out and SHINING! i started a new diet and everything today ive got ALOT of weight to loose for the spring/ summer! gotta get into that bikkini YOU KNOW! i kinda fucked up on tha diet today.. i ate sum candy! and today im kinda sick so im not gonna be working out. but tomorow FOR SURE! i need people to motivate me. and i have nuthing people just PUT ME DOWN! any1 have any tips.. holllllerrrr at me! LOL well i gotta go finsh cleaning and do sum homework! much love to you guyes!!

why are u so addicted to hurting me?

2005-03-19T03:49:35Z

Once upon a time there was a girl
In her early years she had to learn
How to grow up living in a war that she called home
Never knew just where to turn for shelter from the storm
It's not so easy to forget
All the marks you left along my face
When I was thrown against those walls.. and down those stairs
And everyday afraid to come home in fear of what i might
see next.Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid. dont u understand tha damage u have done?

* well above explains it all. i live with an abusive father. and he comes home everyday yelling, screaming and sumtimes hitting on ME. he blames his anger on ME. why? i have NO idea!till this day i still try to figure that out. he doesnt do this to my step mom.. or my brother or any1 else! so this morning i wake up and im ready to go. and im on medicine for sum sh!t and i needed to take it this morning! well my dumb ass brother told my dad that i take all the pills to school so my dad thinks im on DRUGS now and he thinks i OVERDOSE wtf? so this morning i go upstairs ready to go.. and he starts beating me up! im like wtf??? and hes like oh so u wanna take medicine to school now.. what do u think this is? i was like I HAVE TO TAKE MY MEDICINE!! and he wouldnt give it to me! i ran to go call my mom and she got on tha phone yelling at him... she started yelling at me to0.. why? i dunno! anything to make me cry.. right.so i go to school balling crying! and my mom told me to TRY and have a good day! no that wasnt gonna hapen at all. i snapped on my 1st hour teacher and my 2nd hour teacher! tha 2nd one was like what is going on? you are not yourself today u are ALWAYZ so sweet to me what is going on? im like im having a bad day! what made it even worse. was my so called friends has SH!T to say 2 me..it was crazy... so i guess today is just a depressing ass day for me! im sick 2 my stomach.. cant eat.. sleep .. anything i cant stop crying! im just hurt. why do i have to keep going through this bullshit. i thoght it was OVER! but i guess not

* whatever my head hurts.. my stomach hurts..well im going 2 my moms house 4 tha weekend so i gotta go pack my sh!t. bye

man i dont feel good!

2005-03-14T02:23:30Z

What it is tho?? lol i just felt like saying that! let me update

* i got sick this weekend! my stomach was hurting SOO bad. i was feeling really bad sharp pains like sum1 was stabbing me in the stomach! i had cramps like WHOA becuz of these stupid pills that im on! i go back 2 the DR on the 17th! wish me LUCK!

* im moving too lakeville!! its like 20 minnutes away from where i am now. its reallllly rich! lots of BIG houses and sh!t like that! i wasnt looking foward to it.. i was gonna move with my mom but now im like whatever! me and my dad are going to make an agreement so i can go to the same school he said he wont drive me! but i figured out that there are buses that run out there.. so i will take the city bus! i do NOT wanna switch schools. lakeville schools are really stupid and SOOO preppy! there is not a BLACK person in sight there lol!so fuck that LOL

* GOOD NEWS! my step mom is PREGNET!! im so excited!! becuz now my dad is not gonna be MEAN to me! and he will have another baby to worry about. he wont be on my back about stupid lil sh!t. my step mom has been trying to get pregnet for YEARS and she finally is! i broke out into tears of joy! me and her dont get along.. but i think now that shes having this baby we WILL get along becuz shes going to want ME to help her with tha baby! so she betta treat me RIGHT! thats anotha reason y im not moving w/ my mom anymore im gonna stay with my dad so i can help with the baby and stuff! my step mom is due in september!

* MY SCHOOL'S GIRLS BASKETBALL TEAM WON STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS!! HELLLLS YEAH!! IM SOOO EXCITED! THIS IS THA 1ST TIME THEY HAVE EVER WON STATE SINCE THE SCHOOL FIRST OPENED IN 1963!! im gonna be on that court next year!! after watching all the games this season.. and watching tha state championships im gonna play basketball next year! and i hope i make the jv team! i played bball 5th 6th and 7th grade then i just quit. but now i wanna do it again! im gonna start training this summa!

* my next update is gonna be about so called FRIENDS! i have ALOT to say! but untill then im gonna go do my laundry and finish my drivers ed prodject and get ready for school tomorow. DAYUM i dont wanna go!!

what a fun day!

2005-03-10T00:21:29Z

-Dayum its been a while.. i think i should update!! haha i just woke up from a long/ good ass nap! anyone wanna do my LJ????? make a layout or change tha colors or sumthing? pleaseee its getting VERY old!

- today we had our GIRLS STATE CHAMPION SHIP GAME!! for girls basketball! we wooped roseville's ASS! it was like 63-32! by 3rd period i was like we won.. they need to just get over it! they kept calling time outs and everything! im like i dont know WHY? LIKE THEY ARE GONNA COME UP WITH A STRATEGIE TO BEAT US NOW?! umm NO. but tha game was DOWN TOWN it was like a school feild trip.. but sum people didnt go! maybe like 100 ppl didnt go! we have 26 busses LMAO! and like i heared classes were only having like 2-5 people in them SAD!! so we left like at 8 and came back to school at like 1 pm! and we still had 2 classes left! im like fuck that! im not going to those 2 classes. NOBODY DID! we went across tha street to burgerking and to tha gastation.. we got kicked outta tha gas-station cuz this ladie at tha counter was making these dirty looks at me!and i was like wtf is she LOOKING at?! and she just kept looking and she was like do u have a problem? and i was like bitch do YOU???? im never MEAN like that but i was just already hyped from tha game.. and i wanted to just go off on sum1 and plus i hate racist people like that.. who only look at tha BLACK people! i was with like 3 white gurls too! and she didnt say anything to them! she was like no i dont have a problem u keep looking over here like your going to steal sumthing! i pulled my $20 bill out put it in her face and i was like DOES IT LOOK LIKE IM GONNA FUCKIN STEAL SUM SHIT?? NO! and then anotha lady was like GO GO GO GET OUT! GET OUT U CANT DIS-RESPECT US LIKE THAT GO GO! and she called tha police so we left and went to tha doller store that was like 3 blocks down! it was like 10 of us! it was funny tho! tell me WHY in burgerking it was PACKED with all these black kids! lmao that was funny! then we pulled into this parking lot and we turned tha radio up in my gurl Tia's car and we all started dancing! that was fun too! we were gonna end up at tha mall but we were like naw fuck it we got like an hour left of school so lets just drive around sum more but that sh!t was fun as hell!! i didnt feel guilty about skipping. i have STRAIGHT A'S! whats that gonna do to me? nothing at all! that was my 1st time too! but my mom called in and said i would be gone THE WHOLE DAY becuz she thought tha game was all day! dumb ass! lol

* everything else is good! ive been in good moods. i havent cried in like weeks! me and my dad are getting along a lil bit! im getting on his GOOD SIDE maybe he'll let me off punishment! shit he BETTER! suposly we are moving to lakeville.. its like 20 minnutes away! and they have nice houses but its were allllll tha rich lil white kids live! im like i dont think i would fit in there! i get along with white people.. but not those RICH ASS ONES! and plus i'd be like tha only BLACK person there! im like no fuck that! i told my dad why cant we move NEXT spring becuz then i'll beable to DRIVE( woot woot) and i can just drive to tha school i go to NOW! im gonna PRAY that we dont move there! i did that last year.. and my dad and my step mom got into a HUGE fight and he said he wasnt moving into a new house untill she started doing sum work and changed her attitude! LMAO! the houses are HUGE and really nice and NEW but still.. its in like tha middle of NO -WHERE! lol

* i have SO much homework and papers to do! and i gotta watch AMERICAS NEXT TOP MODEL AND KEVIN HILL! =( did u guyes watch tha real world yesterday.. shit i dayum near CRIED with them! anywayz much love!

for tha haters!

2005-03-03T23:04:40Z

Hey how ya doin', yeah I'm doin' mighty fine
Last time I seen ya, it's been a long time
Stop smilin' at me, get that look off your face
Please don't even front, stop bein' so fake
I know you do not like me and you made it very clear
You're always talkin' about me from what I hear
Always put me down when you thought that you could
I want you to know that I'm doin' so good
Wasn't it you that said
Thought I was all that and you
Said I didn't have a clue
Wasn't it you that said
That I wouldn't make it through
And wasn't it you that said
That I didn't look too good,
That I wouldn't do too good
I want you to know that I'm doin' so, so good

* HATERS!! these haters hapen 2 be my own FRIENDS.. people i go to school with.. my parents .. my own FAMILY! and i just need to get this out! well i have been depressed and doubting myself and ive had low self esteem for YEARS! and its started to get REALLY old! and i just figured out like why am i so depressed becuz of these people. i felt LONELY and i just felt SO stupid crying everyday becuz of sumbody who put me down.. or friends who did me wrong! and ive realized today that im OVER it! im done crying over these people. i mean if u dont like me I DONT CARE! its very nice to know that u wake up everyday and have SOMETHING to say about me! and as for this man i call my FATHER! i dont give a fuck about what u say! i dont care about all tha critisizm in tha WORLD that u give me! im over it.. i realize that i cant keep being down becuz of you! its really STUPID! yeah your ABUSIVE but i can take it! keep hitting me.. keep calling me names.. keep telling me No.. keep me in this house all that u want too! but im gonna OVER COME IT! and as for friends that did me wrong. i think its pretty fuckin funny that u would think that u could PLAY me bogis like that.. but its okay its alll good! LIFE GOES ON! and im doin good today.. i was talking to a friend of mine LAURAN and we got into an argument and i realized that I DONT HAVE THA WORST LIFE ON THA EARTH and that i need to me more thankful and be WAY more positive and stop complaing or writing these depressing ass entries. THANK YOU! my confidence is very high. i can make it through this shit! FUCK YOU HATERS! fuck tha people who ALWAYZ had rude ass coments to say to me! fuck tha people who dont apreciate me at all. i dont care im DONE doing shit for u! and i have NOTHING else to say to u! and im sure u know who u are! for tha friends who put their BOYFRIENDS before me.. and left me way behind it feels good to know that im not tha stupid one! u'll be comming back around when these boys are LONG gone. but guess what i have no advice to give u! im not a BITCH im a VERY nice person! and im alwayz there for everyone and im alwayz showing love to people that DESERVE IT! and these people dont at all! thanx to tha people who alwayz told me i was fat or that i was ugly.. it only makes me feel THAT MUCH BETTER! i know im not ugly and i know im not fat!

* me and my mom are getting a long a lil bit. adleast we ARE getting along! my dad.. fuck him i really dont care he bitches all day everyday hes a ASS and i have no time for that shit AT ALL!

* school is good i have STRAIGHT FUCKING A'S! im SO proud of myself!

im gonna go do my homework!! MUCH LOVE

help please!

2005-03-03T01:46:14Z

-how do u upload pix on LJ? like last time i posted pix u couldnt see em.. so how do i make em show? u know how on peoples entrys they have like a link that says " click" and then u see PICTURES! how do u do that? SUM1 HELP PLEASEEEE THANX!

- im watching AMERICAS NEXT TOP MODEL RIGHT NOW!! that is my SHIT! i love that show. when i turn 18 im gonna go on there! then im gonna watch tha road to stardom i want JESSICA to win! anywayz i'll update later MUCH LOVE!

when it alll falls down...

2005-02-25T00:17:18Z

dayum yall its been a while! maybe i should update.

- ive been very depressed and very sad. ive been in and out of the docter for tha past week. i go back next monday and wednesday to get more tests done. i had to have a pelvic exam. they think i have pelvic cancer, thyroid disease, blood dissorder or sum other shit.

- on top of that... my dad is STILL trippin everyday.. school is STRESSFUL! and im going through sh!t with friends. none of my friends wanted to listen about how ive been doing with these healthy isses! i was talking to 1 of my friends i was like yeah the DR said ______ and she turned to her BF and was like "oh baby are u still commin ova afta school?" im like are u foreal? no1 else asked about it or anything. fuck it!

- i wont be on for a few weeks. please dont delete me. i'll try and come on here at school and comment on peoples LJ's! like i said last week my dad took my cumputer apart!!! well anyways i got homework. tha OC comes on 2night too! much love

whatever!

2005-02-19T19:28:55Z

- sum1 told me that steven frum laguna beach died in a car crash and that frankie from tha real world sandiago died too!

- my dad took my cumputer alll apart.. he said i used it too much and now i got in trouble for it!! UGH! so i guess i wont be on for a couple of weeks.. gosh everything is falling DOWN! i dont think im STRONG ENOUGH for this sh!t! it seems to be that i never can be happy..fuck track.. i dont think im doing it this year since my dad doesnt want 2 suport me.. he never does!

- im in st. louis right now for tha weekend at my dads friends house. we flew this morning.. it was like a 2 hr flight! my dads friend is the president of US BANK! he lives in a 2 million dollar house haha its HUGEEEE!!! but we are having fun! me and his daughter are going 2 a movie later tonight or sumthing!!!

- well just thought i would update! much love!

whatever! happy LATE vtines day

2005-02-16T02:15:44Z

---HAPPY FUCKING LATE VALENTINES DAY! i almost cried yesterday i didnt get anything.. not even A HUG from anybody! yesterday is tha worst day ever. i never get anything for vtines day! and it made me wanna cry when i seen like 2 million gurls at school hvae roses and chocolates and everything!! everytime sum1 walked into tha classroom to deliver flowers i was like aww wish they wurr for ME! but we all know that wont happen! well i hope every1 else had a MUCH better valentines day than me!!

--- i have to go to the Doctor next week! becuz im like really sick. and i dont know what i have! and i havent got my monthly thing in about 5 months! my mom thinks im pregnet! wouldnt i be showing by now? im like omg WOW... by who? i have NO ideal. ive only kissed like 2 boys in my life.. y would i have sex with one?

--- my dad has been making me mad AS USUAL!! i cant stand him! UGHHH i just dont think im STRONG enough for this sh!t! its realllly bringing me DOWN. i just cant take it anymore. and im tiered of him and my mom bitching every 5 minnutes about a whole lot of NOTHING that i dont need to hear! they have NOTHING positive to say! last time they told me " good job" or " aww im so proud of u" or " your doing so good" or " that is soooo nice" or they have showed me ANY type of suport was when i was like 5 yrs old! WOW! i want to get away.. FAR FAR AWAY!!! i hate this house and the people in it! UGHHH! my step mom is being a bitch and she keeps giving me these smart ass comments like im stupid or sumthing!

--- schools a bitch like alwayz.. nothing ever seems to be RIGHT with me! like nothin is ever GOOD! i try my best to be happy and to be in a good mood. but sumthing or SOMEONE wants to fuck it up!

are u fucking serouse?

2005-02-11T22:52:49Z

what up lj? been a while. so ima update!

* this week was alright i guess. it went by kind FAST. just the usual.. had my share of fighting w/ my dad.. my share of crying... my share of people pissing me the fuck off! i was being SOO lazy this week too lol oh well !and today i got into it with my spanish teacher i fucking HATE that class. i do my homework EVERYY SINGLE day in that class and i work so dayum hard too! well i got like 2 ?'s wrong and the bitch alwayz gives me 50% im like wtf i might as well just NOT do it! and we be getting packets that are like 3 or 4 pages long! UGH she pisses me off! and she doesnt let u go to the Bathroom eitha. i had to go pee SO bad. shes so gay lol

* OMG im pissed becuz okay i had micro braids in my hair. and i started taking them out 2day. i was suposed to get my hair dun LAST WEEK becuz it looks a hot messs lol but my dad didnt wanna give me the $$ so im like okay then next week hes like yeah okay thats fine! so here i am taking my braids out and hes about 2 leave im like dad i need the $$ for my hair! he was like well ur not getting it. im like WTF??? are u serouse! and hes like yup im not paying for it! it pisses me the fuck off becuz if it was my step mom needing money he woulda gave it 2 her in a quick seccond hes alwayz taking her on trips and giving her money for shit! UGHHHH im fucking pissed. wtf am i suposed to do!my hair is a HOTTTT MESS there is absoloutly NOTHING i can do to it!i need to get it done.. PROFECIONALLY!

* OMG my mom thinks that im pregnet becuz i havent got my period for sum months now! im like are u serouse umm okay and 1. im STILL a virgin 2. what boy would i fuck... and where?? becuz im ALWAYZ in this house and WHEN? becuz they are alwayz watching over my EVERY MOVE! it feels like im on house arrest yeah im still on punishment and its been since oct. 3rd! and im like okay wow. i dont even talk 2 boys lol well i DO im not gay or anything but none are interesting and they make me MAD and what is the point we cant do nuthing.. go places or anything! and i told her that a month ago and she was like ohh okay well we will go to the DR well yesterday she called here asking me 21 ?'s! im like omg..

* well i guess im gonna go pack my shit up cuz i gotta go 2 my moms house for tha weekend. every1 have a good weekend.. becuz i know that I WONT!. MUCH LOVE!

i actually got OUT of tha house this weekend!

2005-02-07T23:58:58Z

Hey LJ how was ur weekend?? well i guess i could update!

* i got my report card and i was VERY disapointed .. i sucked on my finals. mannn i really need to get my grades back up to ALL a's this term

* went 2 my mothers house for tha weekend! and omg can u belive it? i actually got 2 go sumwhere! u know my parents are B!tches and they dont let me go anywhere. but maybe this is a sign of me getting off fucking HOUSE ARREST frum my parents soon.but i went to a basketball game w/ my friend lauren and her sister ( GOSH THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL) we had lots of fun. we saw SOOOOO many fine boys there. but of course NONE tryed to talk 2 me! maybe next time??i saw lots of people i knew too.

* well just like alwayz my dad likes to make shit HORIBLE for me! i cryed last night becuz me and him got into it over sumthing VERY stupid.. becuz i had to stay after school TODAY and he didnt belive me. he thought i was making shit up and he just kept calling me a liar and shit like that he really pissed me off. i just dont understand how he can be tha biggest ASS to me and treat me like shit but be SO nice to my step mom and my brother?!?!

* i got forms for track .. maybe i'll do it! but my dad is being an ASS about that! DAYUM why cant i ever have any1 who belives in me and actually SUPORTS me?? well i guess im gonna go do homework and work out now. MUCH LOVE!!

blood isnt alwayz thicker than water

2005-02-04T22:35:15Z

Hey LJ whats goin on?? well im really being lazy right now and i dont feel like updating. ALOT of shit hapend this week. alot of drama lets just say i guess " blood isnt alwayz thicker than water" i'll update about that later!!!

* MANNNNNN i loveeeee HOT POCKETS! and guess what they just got this new TACO kind! its BOMB i ate 2 already LOL

* gone 2 my MOTHERS for tha weekend.. be back on sunday!! HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND YALL!! MUCH LOVEEEE!!

whatever

2005-01-29T18:35:52Z

* hey LJ.. i guess i could update. aint nuthin much to update on. everything is OKAY i guess.. COULD BE MUCHHHH BETTER and i WISH it was muchhh BETTER! but u know how that goes. wishes dont come true for me! anywayz its the weekend. the only thing that im lookin foward to doing is SLEEPING and watching noggin.. thats it. i cant do anything else! today is the WINTER FORMAL =( yeah i was lookin foward to going.. had a dress shoes and everything cept a DATE. and my dad said i couldnt go. just like alwayz he doesnt want to see me OUT of this house! anywayz

*counting the days that pass me by. counting the put downs my dad is giving me. counting alll the fucked up days that go by. counting all the hours i sit in my room alone crying. counting all the boxes of tissues i use when im crying.counting all the months ive been on pusnishment. counting the days that i wish i wurr out having FUN.. shopping or doing SOMETHING.counting everytime sum1 tells me " thats too bad" or " things will get better" IVE BEEN TELLING MY SELF THAT FOR YEARS.. IVE BEEN TRYING THE BEST I COULD... this bullshit is really starting to get OLD.

* i guess im gonna go watch tv and finish cleaning up b4 my dad gets home.

how could sum1 be so dumb?

2005-01-25T02:06:22Z

time for an update...

* well tha past few days have been ALRIGHT i guess. nothing special. it just sucks counting the days that past me by. they are about NOTHING. and i dunno just more days i cry about shit that goes on. more days that people tlak shit. more days that my dad brings me LOW to the fucking ground. more days that im on PUNSIHMENT! its going on 5 MONTHS that ive been on lock down! this really SUCKS! well my dad n my step mom went to LAS VEGAS for tha weekend. it pissed me off becuz i dunno as much sh!t as my step mom talks about my dad.. its just funny shes alwayz saying " he hurt me. im depressed becuz of him.. im leaving him.. " its like yah okay bitch but hes taking u to VEGAS! and i needed $$ to get my sis a bday present and myself new shoes. and my dad was like no no no ur not getting money la la la! im like yah okay but u sure have money to take people to fucking LAS VEGAS and stay in a 5 star hotel and rent a limo dont u???

* IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT SH!T I WISH I WASNT... my ex BRIAN. Brian is the reasn im on LOCK DOWN. hes the reason why i had to quit my job, the reason why i cant leave this house, the reason why my cell got taken away, the reason y i had to quit ALL school activities, the reason why i cant volunteer and be a tutor like i wanted, the reason i missed all my formal dances and all the school dances, the reason why i live each and everyday a living HELL! why? becuz okay it started 5 months ago. me and him wurr together and i got off work and me and him wurr chillin just walkin around the mall . i asked my dad to pick me up cuz i was off! well i was waiting for my dad in the doorway with brian.. and we wurr huggin kissin shit like that. well my dad drove by and WATCHED US! i didnt think he would see becuz 1. windows wurr tinted and 2 . it was DARK. he saw me the WHOLE time! it was a MESS my mom freaked she thought i'd been having sex with him! they blew it out of proportion! my mom was like " i cant belive u wurr at the mall making out with sum guy for every1 to see la la la" she told the whole family! my sister called me a 'hoe' becuz i had only been going out with him for like  a couple weeks . im like wow A KISS IS A KISS! and my mom was  like well kissing leads into sex! ur gonna get pregnet la la la! im like im not stupid like that i have straight fucking A's why would i fuck that up and get PREGNET?? and if i was to have sex it would have been with sum1 i was with for WAYYYYYY longer and with sum1 that i truely loved and truely made me happy! and we would use protection!they put me on SEROUSE lock down! i had to quit my job and everything all for kissing him! they thought i was tooooo young for all of that. and they cant belive i would do sumthing like this. they wurr PISSED that they didnt KNOW him and la la la. and my dad claims he looked THUGGISH. thats why! and till this day im like man i cant belive i did that! allllll that taken away becuz i kissed HIM. and just thinking like man i didnt even like him. i just went with him becuz i wanted attention from a guy! all the times he lied to me, he was gonna cheat on me,he wanted me for SEX, he told me he loved me becuz he knew that i would fall for it. what did i do.. i DID!! i thought it was kinda IMPOSSIBLE but i still belived it! we wurr talking for like 2 weeks and he asked me out and my dumb ass said YES. man i cant belive i did some shit like that. like it hasnt really HIT me untill NOW. im just ANGRY i mean UGH! and the thing is. i didn tkiss him.. HE KISSED ME! man all this becuz of HIM. he was an asswhole!! and i came home CRYING my eyes out becuz of it. and i called him he didnt even care! he was like " oh".. we broke up 3 days later!wtf? i havent talked to him since this day! oh wait yah i talked to him like a month ago only becuz i was talking to his BRUTHER who went with my friend.and i called his bruther to ask him sumthing and i was like whos that yelling and he was like BRIAN i was like BRIAN?? and he got on the phone! we talked for like 5 minnutes he was saying the rudest things ever like " nici can i still hit" and " mann nici yah u know ur my only one...i would fuck" .. he started lieing to me saying how he got this job sumwhere and how he drives thi snice ass car now! LIAR! my friend just seen him on the BUS like weeks before. and what job?i just cant belive i wouldnt act so dumb and neive! ive NEVER EVER let a nigga spit game like that to me. he played me for a FOOL.and i went ahead and LET HIM! and i think it was becuz i was single for a YEAR before. and i met him i was like OMG! OMG! and i just went CRAZY with it! and the fact that he showed me SOME SORT of attention! i went along with it like yeah. the shit felt good. it felt good for him to play with my head like that. just the shit he would say to me made me feel GREAT! mannnnn UGH! i cant belive that! till this day im STILL on punishment for this bullshit! my freedom is GONE. 5 fucking months man! WOW!

* well i guess its just not getting through me that it was just a mistake.i feel stupid for it. but i guess it was a mistake. i shouldnt fuck with sum1 like that anymore. next time i will never let a nigga RUN GAME ON ME LIKE THAT. and next time i will talk 2 a guy for some MONTHS before i start to actually go with him! next time i need to REALLLY get 2 know tha person. i guess ive learned from it. i will never settle for LESS like that. no matter HOW lonely i am!

well i guess im gonna go eat my pizza.. watch tv and shit like that. much love BYE

whatever

2005-01-20T22:20:47Z

whats good? i guess i should update

*man we had finals yesterday and today! them finals wooped my ASS! im not even lieing. mann i was up REALLLLY late tryna study for them bitches. i think i did ALRIGHT. umm english final i prolly got like a B on that one. and Chemistry i know i got like a D on that becuz tha bitch ass teacher took 20pts off my fucking test becuz i was talking AFTER the fucking test! argh me pissed me off. and i was askin sum1 wurr we turn em in at? but tha math final i dunno about that one? prolly a C? i guessed on alot of em. but mannnn im really gonna miss all my classes becuz we get new classes next term =( oh so sad. i miss my classes. i miss the people that wurr IN the classes! but anywayzzz

* my boy JAY left today! it was his LAST day omg. im gonna cry man im gonna miss him. thats my BUDDY! he betta come back and visit us. i love u jay!

* ARGH my mom n dad are really pissin me off! and i dont even live with both of em togetha. my mom calls here bitchin and my dad ARGHHHH i wanna shoot him! i really havent disliked sum1 this dayum much! he really pisses me off. no need to go into deltails he treats me like shit and makes me FEEL LIKE SHIT! end of the subject.

* NO SCHOOL TOMOROW woot woot. i guess thats sumthin 2 smile about. anywayz im really sleepy. so im gonna go take a nap and call my baby. much love

blah blah blah LOL

2005-01-17T00:05:18Z

Hey LJ .. been a while so let me UPDATE.

*school sucks and ive realized how mcuh i really hate it LOL. i hate it i hate it and i hate it some more i HATE the people IN that school i mean dont get me wrong i do have a few coo as people but the rest are just UGH! lets start out with the boys. they are all SOOO fake and all the worry about is how many gurls they can fuck. or how many gurls they can get on their team and they are SO loud and SO roudy and all they do is walk around fighting and shit it gets SO annoying after a while! and they jus ttalk SO much shit! and they are SOOO disrespectful to gurls!

* This weekend i went downtown to the movies to see fat albert! with my fam cuz it was my nephews birthday!i didnt think it was that funny! i reallly wanted to see coach carter we went to BLOCK E. its like another CITY WALK but its like all indoors instead of walking around outside u walk around inside LOL. we went to GAME WORKS too so my nephew could play games in tha big ass arcade! then we went out 2 dinner it was fun. saw lots of people i know that I COULDA BEEN CHILLIN WITH. but ive been on LOCK DOWN for like 4 months and COUNTING! arghh

* mann finals are this week!! oooh fucking NO! im gonna go crazy well tomorow we have no school so i guess im gonna just study and do make up work and all my final prodjects and papers and shit!! this is gonna be a VERY DEPRESSING ASS WEEK! becuz my friend JAY is leaving.. hes transfering back to his old school for the 3rd term. im gonna be SO sad! i get hugs from him eveyr single day and i just love em! hes soo coo and hes the coolest nigga IN THAT SCHOOL! hes so sweet! and hes just goofy as hell becuz hes alwayz doin sumthin crazy and im alwayz the one laughin WITH him and AT him. he alwayz touches my cheeks and hes lke " aww look at those cute lil cheeks" but i guess i'll see him around.

* i have more to say. but i dont want u guyes to be like DAYUM did she write ENOGH?? lol so i guess ima just go walk around my house and chill. man im hungry as FUCK!BYEE much love and thanx for readin. i'll TRY and comment on peoples LJ's and reply to coments tomorow. SRY

lilbit2crazy @ 2005-01-11T17:01:00

2005-01-11T23:12:12Z

Hey bitches, hoes, sluts, pimps, players, HATERS, fakes, coo people ALL OF YALL! lol hows every1 feelin? im aiight i guess!! anywayzz.. lets update.

// yah went back to schoool. isn that fuckin great?? NOT! it was soo stupid! i wasnt excited at all. i hate wakin up early. and i hate the drama AND the people IN that muther fuckin school! finals are commin up like next week! OH NO!im fuckin stresssed out!! and i need to get out of this fuckin HOUSE!My buddy JAY is leavin next term! OMG im gonna CRY! i love him1 who am i gonna mess with? whos gonna give me those DAILY HUGS THAT I NEED??

// MANN this whole LOCK DOWN BULLL SHIT! its not workin out for me nomore.. neva was and neva will and its driving me INSANE! my dad has been goin crazy lately LIKE ALWAYZ! hes really pissin me off! and hes pushed me down to the lowest level i could EVER be at! i dunno what 2 do?? all i do is CRY! i wish things would get better. i just WISH i could be happy and i WISH he would stop taking his fucking anger out on ME!

//anywayzzz been goin through sum shit with so called FRIENDS! i HATEEE fake friends! just like Jen said! i hate people who wanna act all nice in ya face.. and u know have conversations with u but then they go back and tell the WORLD every word u say! and i hate people who sit up there and all they do is talk abut their self!and i hate people who brag about shit all up in my face and they know dayum well my life is no where NEAR as good as theirs! and i hatee people when u give them all the time in the world to be there for them.. alwayz tlakin 2 them.. give them advice.. listen to their bullshti! but when it comes to YOU.. they say sry i gotta go.. or they say OH THATS TOO BAD! i dunno people really been pissin me off lately!

LMAO-- tell me WHY i decided to wax my eye brows my myself! LMAO it was like a couple days ago.. becuz 1. i dont feel like PLUCKIN THEM! and 2. i dunno its expensive now days to get ur eye brows dun its like $20.. and my eye brow hair grows back FAST so i end up getting em dun alll the time! and plus i dont have a job no more and myd ad dont give me $$ so im BROKE. but anywayz LMAO the wax got stuck to my eye brows i was like OMG and i freaked out it was soo funny! i spent like an hour tryna get the wax off! hmm im neva doin that shit again!

// anywayz i got homework and shit like that 2 do! MUCH LOVE. thanx for readin! and thanx to every1 who left comments. IM LOVIN ALL THE LOVE U GUYES SHOW ME!! ITS NOT MUCH.. BUT EVERY LIL COMMENT COUNTS THANX!

lilbit2crazy @ 2005-01-09T12:50:00

2005-01-09T18:57:14Z

I wish... my dad wouldnt treat me like this

I wish.. my mom would do sumthing about it.

I wish.... i could be happy

I wish ... i could just be myself

I wish... i didnt have to cry today

I wish... i didnt have to cry everyday

I wish... i didnt feel so ALONE.

I wish... i had sum1 that was actually there for me. sum1 that cared about me.

I wish... my friends wouldnt give me a attitude... and when i come 2 them with sumthing all they say is " o" or " thats 2 bad"

I wish... people would just realize that what i go through is NOT EASY.

I wish... that i could just live everyday to the fullest.

I wish... that i didnt have to sit there everyday and be like " okay whats my damage today??"

I wish... people wouldnt take their anger out on me.

I wish... i was as beautiful as sum of the peoples LJ's i read.

I wish... i didnt have problems.

I wish... i didnt wanna DIE.

I wish... that my mom could see that my dad is gonna do sumthing REALLL dangerouse 2 me 1 day.

I WISH I WISH I WISH!

lilbit2crazy @ 2005-01-07T16:13:00

2005-01-07T22:24:54Z

It's been the WORST week eva...

// hey yall whats up?? well im sry i havent updated in a few days.. and sry i havent replyed to any1's comments or LEFT any1 comments.. but ive been a MESS!

// heres a long story made SHORT. well me and my dad got into it JUST LIKE ALWAYZ?? but this week it was HORIBLE! why? i donno it was just horible! he was trippin ova the dumbest things EVER! he came home from his bad days and blamed the shit on me! i dont think ive ever been so hurt in my life! i dont think ive ever cryed this much in my LIFE! he was just trippin.. hittin me.. slappin me.. punchin me. yelling.. callin me NAMES.. everything u could think of! then SCHOOL! it was a mess.. ive got SO much missing work.. people tlakin HELLA shit.. so much drama. it was just TOO MUCH FOR ME!

// i was SOOO HURT! i went to sleep crying.. woke up crying!.. i didnt give a shit about ANYTHING anymore! i just wanted to DIE. i didnt feel like i had a place on this earth anymore! and i called my mom and told her all this and she was like " okay AND.. WHAT DO U WANT ME TO DO??" i was like OMG! ur just gonna sit back and WATCH him do this to me! her and my dad thinks the shit is FUNNY! i didnt do anything at all. im a good kid. i go to school make my A's.. i come home and do my chores... i dont drink.. smoke.. or anything! and anotha thing that hurt me was that my step mom sat there and WATCHED the shit go down! i was like OMG!

// I dunno im just a MESS right now.. cant describe the way im feelin! i dunno what do do.. what to say?? all i can do is CRY CRY AND CRY sum more! i was CLOSE to running away yesterday i was gonna go to my cuzzins house.. on my MOMs side. but my mom doesnt even know that i talk 2 her shes like my 3rd cuzzin LOL. and i was gonna go to her house! well this gurl picks the BEST DAY TO NOT PAY HER PHONE BILL! i cann her cell and its like " the numba u have called has been temporarly disconnected" and i dont know tha house # i was so mad! so i decided to just stay home! my parents dont give a SHIT about me. they just bring me DOWN! i dunno i think its cuz im the MIDDLE child! they dont wanna treat their baby like that or their FIRST BORN! so i dunno.

// thanx to my lil buddy RICO and my gurl TANEIKA ive been doin alright.. they KEEP me laughing no matter WHAT! thanx guyes!!

// anywayz.. i think im finna go do my homework and shit like that BYE.

when am i gonna just be HAPPY?

2005-01-05T01:10:20Z

=( YOU like to fuck up my days, my nights, my dreams, my thoughts, my fun, my happyness, my joy, my confidence, my self worth, my friends, MY LIFE!!! dont u??

// I'LL UPDATE LATER.. any1 can u tell me how u like make ur fonts bolded.. or underlined and shit like that??? or do i gotta have that paid account thing?

happy late new years!!

2005-01-03T02:32:26Z

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! this entry is LONG so be prepared LOL

i found a way to fix that DATE thing. well i just deleted ALL my entrys and whenever i write a new entry im gonna just change the month. but anywayz

the weekend// it was nothing special. did SHIT on new years eve. becuz u already know my parents HATE to see me have fun. or see me HAPPY. so they fuck things up for me. they didnt let me go anywhere but anywayz. i just sat at my moms house. watched movies. took my hair out and thats about it!

NEW YEARS// i REALLLLY hope 2005 is WAY better than last year!! i mean WAYYYY better! last year was horible. just like all the other years. started off rough.. and ENDED rough. i started off 05 not so good. im just trying to forget about EVERYTHING that hapend in 04. i have a feeling that 05 is gonna be the same as last year. but im proud of myself. im proud that i made it through that year. i went through ALOT of shit. and im proud that i made it through. im proud of myself that i have to go through allll that shit EVERY SINGLE DAY and then still make it through. im a MUCH stronger person. i had alotta BREAK DOWNS in 04. i hope i dont have as many THIS YEAR!

*things i wanna change this year*
//school- i just wanna get my grades up and stay focused.

//friends- lol i think i need NEW ones. and im not gonna be friends with sum1 whos gonna take advantage of me. im not gonna be friends with FAKE people who are SO nice to be but then talk SO much shit about me behind my back. i wanna meet new, mature, nice people.and beable to have FUN with them! i need to suround myself with POSITIVE, MATURE people.

//myself- WOW lol theres ALOT of shit i need to change. i think sumtimes im a lil TOO nice and people get ANNOYED by it. i think i need to change that. i need to stop letting people walk all over me. use me. abuse me. im gonna start standing up for myself. im gonna start being MYSELF and feeling GOOD about it. and im also trying to be a better daughter N friend. and i just wanna be a better PERSON. i have alot of growing up to do and lots of things to figure out. i guess i should start NOW. i wanna feel BEAUTIFUL. i dont wanna look at gurls and be like " gosh i WISH i was that preety" i need to get in shape and i need to feel GOOD about myself and be happy with MYSELF. another thing i wanna change this year is i wanna be a HAPPY person an STOP crying like every single day! i just got shit 2 figure out. WISH ME LUCK

//my parents- WOW i know i cant change them. i cant change the thngs they say to me or DO to me. i just have to LIVE with it! and its HARD and i just wanna make it even. i wanna be on their GOOD side and i just wanna show them that im strong. and thye cant stop me. and i wanna let them know im VERY MATURE! i cant change my dad or how he acts i just have to live with it. it makes me STRONGER. i want it to make me EVEN STRONGER!I JUST WANNA MAKE THEM HAPPY.. MAKE THEM PROUD.. AND BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM!

//love- LOL well ive been single for a while! but first i need to learn how to LOVE MYSELF and make MYSELF HAPPY before i do so for any1 else. im done looking for love and fucking around with DUMB ASS BOYS! im gonna let love COME 2 ME! and im not gonna settle for LESS. im not gonna let a guy sweet talk me and then be like okay YES i will be in a relationship! umm NO. i think this time around im gonna be friends with the guy for a LONGGG TIME. well like for sum months and just get to know them WELL and see wurr things go.

// lockdown/punishment- i really hope i get off soon.im on it for the DUMBEST THING EVER! and ive been on it for MONTHS! hmm since OCTOBER! this shit is starting to be DEPRESSING!

** well i got LOTS of homework to do. BACK TO SCHOOL TOMOROW! thanx for reading!!